I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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