New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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