so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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