Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Randomize
