I want to make a zoo with you.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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