Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Randomize
