I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
