Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
