i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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