drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
