So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize