I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize