my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
