After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize