I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
