I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
