I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
