i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
soo... how was my night?
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