Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
