need another drink. this is the easiest way
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
