I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
