I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
