i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
