Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
