I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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