someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
My vagina is officially offended.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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