well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
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