woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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