I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
