was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
