At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
