so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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