You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
