Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
