But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
