saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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