Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He shit in the fireplace
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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