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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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