I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Randomize
