i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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