i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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