Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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