i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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