even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Let's paint friendship bongs
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
