I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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