I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
