I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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