Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
