her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
