I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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