I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
