I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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