My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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