my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
