Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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