I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
