walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
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