Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
