I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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