I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Randomize
