Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
