The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
