It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
