If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize